How do you handle disagreements or misunderstandings in a relationship? Many might have “disagree, agree, or suck it up” as their default response to disagreements.[1] People can opt for agree or suck it up styles for the sake of protecting a relationship, for maintaining peace, or for fear of facing conflicts. Others can be quick to disagree because agreeing would mean they are weak and losers.

Giving in to arguments might make one feel stronger than the other. Conversely, avoiding a conversation might produce an illusion of achieving a peaceful solution. However, these approaches damage a relationship in the long run. They weaken the intensity of the connection.

One may win an argument but sadly can lose the relationship, at least partially. On one hand, disagreements can feel like an axe striking a tree. On the other hand, peace is achieved by agreeing or by sucking it up. But this is a false peace and not likely to last long.

Withdrawing from conversation is like a parasite eating a tree from inside. From outside the tree might look green but from inside, it withers. Eventually, the tree falls to the ground.

It becomes evident that agree, disagree, and withdraw default responses in a conflict are harmful to a relationship. So, what can one do? Is there a better approach?

Dr. Michelle Buck, a clinical professor of leadership, suggests that unhealthy styles of responding to disagreements can gradually lead to misunderstanding and resentment. She suggests that people need to talk when in disagreement — but the intention of talk should not be either to agree or to disagree. The intention of talk should be to understand the other. If conversations can be held to find understanding in a conflict rather than to prove the other wrong, then mutual respect and deeper connection can be built. [2]

Looking for understanding will not necessarily remove individual differences and preferences; however, it will lead to better, honest, and deeper relationships.

Next time, when your default conflict resolution system is eager to kick in, remind yourself that the purpose of talking is understanding – not agreeing or disagreeing.

[1] Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

[2] Buck, M. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.